I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
