well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
