I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
