i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
