I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
