I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
