By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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