last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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