someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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