dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
