He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
