my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
