420 ftw
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
