Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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