If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
