I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
