he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
