i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the condom got lost in my hair
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she pinky promised me she was 18
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
