yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
