Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
