Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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