I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i will never coherently bang her
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
so much tequila, so little girl.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
