She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
