he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
