I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
