Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My day in three words: secret purse cake
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
