Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
why do cheetos always look like penises
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
