She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
