just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
