As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
