I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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