cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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