I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
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Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
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So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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