she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
foreskin is a definite game changer
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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