swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
