Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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