3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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