"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
