im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
