It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
