The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
