sarcasm needs its own font
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
