i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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