Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house