The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.