best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
