Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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