The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
