WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
