i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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