I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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