he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
