dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
