Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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