I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
