Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
