If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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