he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
