He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
