I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You've changed since you got that strap on
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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