this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i believe in u and ur pee
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
