census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
