He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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